When a coworker won’t take no for an answer

Every time I sit through workplace harassment training, there’s a scenario that makes my stomach tighten.

A male employee asks out a female coworker.

She says no.

He asks again.

And again.

Eventually she gives in and agrees to go out with him.

Then the training asks the question: Is this harassment?

The answer is an obvious yes.

They go out once or twice and then she politely tells him she thinks it would be better if they remain friends and coworkers. He takes it badly. In fact, he ignores her wishes and continues to pressure her. 

Now he waits for her by her car after work, and leaves coffee and snacks on her desk. She feels extremely uncomfortable and starts to be concerned for her safety.

Then the training asks the question: True or False: His actions are not considered harassment because she agreed to go out with him.

Every time I see that question, I almost laugh.

Who in their right mind would say true?

Well, actually, I know a couple of guys who might.   

I sometimes wish managers had follow-up conversations with everyone who answers true. It might go something like this:

Manager: “I see you answered that it’s not harassment if a man keeps pursuing a coworker after she’s said she isn’t interested. Can you explain that?”

Employee: “Well she agreed to go out with him and then said she just wanted to be friends. Sounds like she’s a cock tease or playing mind games.”

Manager: “Or maybe she felt pressured to say yes after telling him no several times?”

Employee: “She chose to go out with him. That’s on her.”

Manager: “Actually, it’s OK to ask a coworker out. But if they say no, or later decide they’re not interested, you have to respect that.”

Employee: “I disagree.”

Manager: “You’re fired!” 

OK, that last bit is wishful thinking on my part. 

This scenario always makes me pause because I’ve lived it. More than once.

One time in particular still sticks with me. 

I had a male coworker many moons ago, who I thought I was building a friendship with. I’m not sure at what point he decided he had feelings for me. Maybe he always intended on asking me out and was just laying a friendly foundation.

The first time he asked me on a date, it was nice enough. I declined because I was in a long-term relationship. It was an easy out. Then that relationship ended. I was greatly affected, and quite sad for some time.

My coworker pursued me again as soon as he found out I’d been dumped. I told him I wasn’t in a place to be dating just yet. He respected that — for about a month. Apparently, that was the timeframe he determined it should take me to get over it.   

I politely declined several more times.

He instant messaged me all day, every day.

If I didn’t respond quickly enough, he’d walk over to my desk pretending he needed something for work. 

After months of this, something in me broke down.

I agreed to go out with him. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought it might finally make the pressure stop. 

As if all the harassment trainings had taught me nothing!

I agreed to go out with him. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought it might finally make the pressure stop.

We went out. Had a lovely Italian dinner and then chatted over drinks afterward. I knew the conversation would likely flow because of our friendship. It was a perfectly pleasant evening. But there was absolutely no spark. I was not interested in him at all.

He got right back to hounding me for a second date. I was so young and naïve. I had no idea how to handle it. So, I agreed out of guilt.

As the date approached, I knew I had to be honest. The day before we were supposed to go out, I called him and told him I didn’t think a second date was a good idea. I said I really valued his friendship, but that was all it would ever be. 

I felt relieved. I figured we’d go back to our friendly chats at work, and I wouldn’t have to worry about his advances.

Not even close. He turned into an irate child. Right off the bat, he tried to get me fired. (I can’t make this crap up.)

We worked in different departments, and our managers didn’t overlap whatsoever. All that did was create a very awkward conversation between me and his manager. Once I explained the situation, she was very sympathetic and had me accompany her to HR to report it.

Once that backfired on him, he decided he was no longer going to respond to any of my emails, or provide me with any information I needed to do my job. Once again, his manager intervened. Going forward I went to her with any inquiries, and she made sure I got the information I needed. 

Almost two years after all this went down, he and I ended up in a leadership program together. We were divided into groups based on the results of a personality test. Much to my dismay, we had the same personality type and were in the same group.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, “I hope we can put the past behind us and work together as professionals.” To which he said, “Not a chance. You’re disgusting.”

For a long time, I wondered what I did wrong.
Was I too friendly? Too nice? Did I somehow give the wrong signal?

I know better now.

Being kind is not consent.
Being polite is not an invitation.

And saying no should always be enough.

I’ve often wondered if things would have gone differently if his manager had been a man. The woman who handled it seemed to understand immediately. Almost like she had seen this before. Maybe experiencing it herself.

And I wish I could say this was the only time something like this happened to me.

But it isn’t.